literature

we aren't well-written

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Aerode's avatar
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Literature Text

i can envision time fluxing backwards:
words snuffed, swallowing dreams,
choking on the catatonic fear that
you just might love someone a bit
more than you love me.

maybe if i destroy those damned
stars, you won't have anything
else to write about.
Comments25
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AyeAye12's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

First of all, you are under arrest for stealing! D:<

But seriously, I'm flattered :3

1) It's a very terse piece. I dunno if I would want to change that, though, because what you have there is elegantly punchy. That is a thing.

2. That last stanza is very OhSnapHeDidNotish, so I would say that one for favourite line. :3
Least favourite would be "you just might love someone a bit / more than i" not necessarily because it is bad, but more because its less bright compared to the rest of the poem. There's always a line like that, so I can;t really say you can do much to change that.

3. A very awesome, punchy poem, short. The title doesn't really fit with the text itself, though, even though the title is ingenious. Stars and things like that are often considered cliche here, but you weave it into something original and brilliant <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/r/r…" width="15" height="15" alt="=P" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="397" title="=P (Razz)"/>